I grew up in a broken home. Though I have seen many blessings I also have seen first hand some of the heartaches and confusion that comes with divorce. Often people get a divorce thinking how they will become happier and free. Though sometimes this is the case and some abusive relationships are not healthy most of the time divorce is not the answer to bring joy.
A wedding day is one of the happiest days of a person's life because it is the moment when the person that you deeply love sets you apart as the most important person in their life. Divorce has the opposite effect, it is when you are unchosen, or set aside and deemed less important. People divorce for many reasons. One reason, that might cause a separation happens when the couple realize that they have different parenting styles, which leads to unresolved contention . They often feel that if they could get away from each other, then they could raise their children the way they see fit. What people often don't realize is that their children will still be taught by the other parent and their teaching style just without balance of the other partner. Now these children have to change behavior as they change from both parents. Both parents still have to raise children now it will be harder though because they are both raising them and working together but they aren't together. This separation of parents often lead children to feel a need to choose favorites or distress and confusion of changing how they act depending on what home they are in.
Children are effected in many other ways too though. Studies have shown how children who grow up in broken homes have less success in school and have more attachment issues and are more emotionally unstable.
When people divorce they often believe that they will just marry someone better. It is never that simple though. No matter who you marry there will be quality flaws that bother you. That is if you can remarry. Often when there is a remarriage who ever was previously divorced does nothing to change who they are to make the new relation ship work and they often bring in baggage from the past.
When considering divorce there are four things you should know. The first thing is how it will take a minimum of 2 years to get to a sense of normalcy. The second thing is how all heavy discipline should come from the birth parent. The third thing is how step parents should have a relationship familiar to a wonderful aunt or uncle. The fourth item to know is how the parents will need more conferences and will need to counsel more closely together.
Divorce is not an easy road. This just barley skims the surface of some of the trials of divorce. Divorce greatly effects the children and yet if also puts stress of the adults getting divorced. Divorce is not an easy process so be careful before you decide. The statistics have shown how the greater percent of people who divorce feel like they could have made it worked and in fact should have. Divorce should be a last option if even an option at all.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Filling the Needs of the Child
One of the highest callings anyone could have is that of being a parent. Parenting also comes with a lot of responsibility. It is the responsibility of the parents to make sure that children are taught and raised correctly. In order to be a successful parent it is also important that children's needs are met. Studies show five certain needs that every person must have. These needs are, contact/belonging, power, protection, with drawl, and challenges. If these needs aren't met properly children might act out in unhealthy ways.
The first need is for contact and belonging. When children have a lack of contact and belonging children will seek attention in unhealthy ways. Often young girls will seek after the physical touch of boys. Another example of acting our is class clowns trying to get attention. Studies have shown that physical contact literally effect the health and growth of children. Studies have shown that as contact is made children are less likely to die and have mental illnesses and are less likely to act out. So how do we help give children contact and belonging? You offer contact freely and un conditionally. Give lots of hugs and tell children that you love them. you don't punish them by sending them to their room. This would be separating them and taking, therefore, taking away that contact and belonging. The second way to meet these needs is to teach children how to belong by teaching them to contribute. It is important to let your children help around the house. You then need to give positive reinforcement by compliments and acknowledgement for when they do contribute. Paying them for contributing is dangerous because they will see you as a boss and something done for gain and not done as a good deed. So in order for best success children need to have contact and belonging.
The second need is for power. When a child feels like they have no power they are more likely to try to control others leading to rebellion and a power struggle. So how can we give children power and yet still teach them and have obedience. You teach and give power by letting children have choices and consequences. It is good for children to help make rules and consequences for those rules. Most the time it is best if the teaching comes through children making the choices letting there be natural consequences for their actions. there are only 3 times when consequences should not be natural. Those three times are when the choice is dangerous, the consequence for that action is too far in the future, such as a thirteen year old deciding to drop out of school when it won't be effect them till their late 20's, or when the choice will effect another person negatively. By teaching this way you also teach responsibility. Often children are taught to do what they are told but responsibility is even more then that it is the ability to know how best to respond and not to just follow or obey whatever they are told. Another form of consequence is logical consequences. One example is when a child uses up data they have to pay for extra data since in he future that will be a natural consequence. Another way to teach consequences is through I statements. This teaches children how it effects other peoples and the logic behind consequences and it teaches respect because it is respectful. One example is if a child leaves a bike out and it gets rusted a parent might say "I feel worried when you leave you bike out because it can get ruined. It hurts me because I paid a lot for that bike. I would appreciate it if you take care of your bike." lets say a child keeps leaving it out. A parent might say " I am hurt that you aren't taking care of your bike what do you feel we should do to make sure you keep good care of your bike?". It is important to be careful to not punish but to allow consequences. When it comes to consequences most should be natural and all teaching should be based off respect. You should never give consequences when you are angry and it is always better to go to your room and calm down then to act in the heat of a moment. Also consequences aren't lectures. Children should know why a consequence is and explaining your self is important, however, lectures will rarely teach as a parent is hoping it would.
The next need is for protection. When children don't have protection they will seek revenge. So what should we teach? We need to teach assertiveness and forgiveness. Often how we teach is through example. Again you can't lecture forgiveness they need to learn by being on the receiving end and see you forgive others.
Then there is the need for with drawl. When a child doesn't have this ability to withdraw they will have undue avoidance such as playing video games instead of doing their paper. What should be taught is how to take a break. Then the child will know how to breath, and go back into their current task, instead of avoiding the unwanted task all together.
The last need is a need for challenges. When people learn how to take on challenges and succeed it helps people feel in control and it builds their self-esteem. So how do we help fill the need of challenges? We teach challenges through skill building. When children don't have challenges through skill building they will often seek it through risk taking.
Another important factor is be humble as a parent. It is ok to apologize. As parents we will make mistakes. Apologizing is another opportunity to teach. It gives you a clean slate to try again and teaches the child that you respect, love , and care about them more then you do about being right.
Raising good children may seem daunting and yet it isn't impossible and can be so fulfilling. We can make all the difference in children's lives. Ultimately in the end parenting can be one of the most rewarding experiences in our lives. Nothing can make one more proud then to see their child go off into the world and think "what an amazing person".
The first need is for contact and belonging. When children have a lack of contact and belonging children will seek attention in unhealthy ways. Often young girls will seek after the physical touch of boys. Another example of acting our is class clowns trying to get attention. Studies have shown that physical contact literally effect the health and growth of children. Studies have shown that as contact is made children are less likely to die and have mental illnesses and are less likely to act out. So how do we help give children contact and belonging? You offer contact freely and un conditionally. Give lots of hugs and tell children that you love them. you don't punish them by sending them to their room. This would be separating them and taking, therefore, taking away that contact and belonging. The second way to meet these needs is to teach children how to belong by teaching them to contribute. It is important to let your children help around the house. You then need to give positive reinforcement by compliments and acknowledgement for when they do contribute. Paying them for contributing is dangerous because they will see you as a boss and something done for gain and not done as a good deed. So in order for best success children need to have contact and belonging.
The second need is for power. When a child feels like they have no power they are more likely to try to control others leading to rebellion and a power struggle. So how can we give children power and yet still teach them and have obedience. You teach and give power by letting children have choices and consequences. It is good for children to help make rules and consequences for those rules. Most the time it is best if the teaching comes through children making the choices letting there be natural consequences for their actions. there are only 3 times when consequences should not be natural. Those three times are when the choice is dangerous, the consequence for that action is too far in the future, such as a thirteen year old deciding to drop out of school when it won't be effect them till their late 20's, or when the choice will effect another person negatively. By teaching this way you also teach responsibility. Often children are taught to do what they are told but responsibility is even more then that it is the ability to know how best to respond and not to just follow or obey whatever they are told. Another form of consequence is logical consequences. One example is when a child uses up data they have to pay for extra data since in he future that will be a natural consequence. Another way to teach consequences is through I statements. This teaches children how it effects other peoples and the logic behind consequences and it teaches respect because it is respectful. One example is if a child leaves a bike out and it gets rusted a parent might say "I feel worried when you leave you bike out because it can get ruined. It hurts me because I paid a lot for that bike. I would appreciate it if you take care of your bike." lets say a child keeps leaving it out. A parent might say " I am hurt that you aren't taking care of your bike what do you feel we should do to make sure you keep good care of your bike?". It is important to be careful to not punish but to allow consequences. When it comes to consequences most should be natural and all teaching should be based off respect. You should never give consequences when you are angry and it is always better to go to your room and calm down then to act in the heat of a moment. Also consequences aren't lectures. Children should know why a consequence is and explaining your self is important, however, lectures will rarely teach as a parent is hoping it would.
The next need is for protection. When children don't have protection they will seek revenge. So what should we teach? We need to teach assertiveness and forgiveness. Often how we teach is through example. Again you can't lecture forgiveness they need to learn by being on the receiving end and see you forgive others.
Then there is the need for with drawl. When a child doesn't have this ability to withdraw they will have undue avoidance such as playing video games instead of doing their paper. What should be taught is how to take a break. Then the child will know how to breath, and go back into their current task, instead of avoiding the unwanted task all together.
The last need is a need for challenges. When people learn how to take on challenges and succeed it helps people feel in control and it builds their self-esteem. So how do we help fill the need of challenges? We teach challenges through skill building. When children don't have challenges through skill building they will often seek it through risk taking.
Another important factor is be humble as a parent. It is ok to apologize. As parents we will make mistakes. Apologizing is another opportunity to teach. It gives you a clean slate to try again and teaches the child that you respect, love , and care about them more then you do about being right.
Raising good children may seem daunting and yet it isn't impossible and can be so fulfilling. We can make all the difference in children's lives. Ultimately in the end parenting can be one of the most rewarding experiences in our lives. Nothing can make one more proud then to see their child go off into the world and think "what an amazing person".
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Mothers and Finances
Woman are very blessed with the opportunity in our modern society to pursue an education, careers and their dreams! This is a wonderful and blessed gift of our time. Just because a woman can though, is getting a job really better then staying home and being a mom? Some people believe that it is necessary to help bring in extra money. Others feel it is the only way to have a truly fulfilling life. Today I want to suggest a different idea.
Many mothers feel the need to get a job to help bring in money when things are tight in a family but contrary to popular beliefs studies have shown that when there is a dual income home money is lost. On the face it is easy to think that makes no sense; let me explain. When both parents are gone this means they are required to get some kind of childcare, this on its own is quite costly. Often when their is a dual income there is more money paid to gas, cars, and taxes. People tend to spend more to gain nicer things. This normally tends to cancel each other out. One study showed a family where the father made $42,000 and the mother made $21,000. Their net income however for the year ended up being $40,000 because of all the extra expenses. Just the job of being a mother, if paid, would be one of the highest paying jobs in the world. They would need to pay the "mother" to cook multiple meals, clean the entire house, take care of children, do laundry, do possible hair cuts, teach, and much more. How quickly those expenses would add up and in a dual income home much of that needs to be paid for since no one is home to do it.
Having a dual income family can also lead to other problems such as ideologies over 'yours' and 'her' money instead of 'our' money. Most divorces are over money and a non-shared view of a couples finances can potentially be very dangerous to a marriage.
Many woman feel like they aren't making any kind of contribution or that they are stunted if they stay home. I believe quite the opposite! Motherhood is a wonderful time for growth! Having children teaches you selflessness and patience. You learn hard work and how to multi-task. Your contribution is huge! You are raising the next generation. Whether the next generation is kind, hardworking or a problem solving people is largely influenced by you! As for a stunt in your learning that is completely up to you! A dear friend of my mother's stopped school despite her love of knowledge to be a mother. That did not stop her from learning though! She bought many textbooks and would study and read to her hearts desire.
A desire to work and especially to follow your dreams is a wonderful thing! I would just caution a mother who is unsure of some of the possible consequences. Unlike what many would like to believe, I believe that motherhood is one of the most beautiful and dutiful "jobs" we can ever have on this earth. There is not a greater power one has then the power a mother has when she is home with her kids. Their is no money that can replace how much it costs to do the job of a mother. I am proud of motherhood and can't wait until that day comes for me.
Many mothers feel the need to get a job to help bring in money when things are tight in a family but contrary to popular beliefs studies have shown that when there is a dual income home money is lost. On the face it is easy to think that makes no sense; let me explain. When both parents are gone this means they are required to get some kind of childcare, this on its own is quite costly. Often when their is a dual income there is more money paid to gas, cars, and taxes. People tend to spend more to gain nicer things. This normally tends to cancel each other out. One study showed a family where the father made $42,000 and the mother made $21,000. Their net income however for the year ended up being $40,000 because of all the extra expenses. Just the job of being a mother, if paid, would be one of the highest paying jobs in the world. They would need to pay the "mother" to cook multiple meals, clean the entire house, take care of children, do laundry, do possible hair cuts, teach, and much more. How quickly those expenses would add up and in a dual income home much of that needs to be paid for since no one is home to do it.
Having a dual income family can also lead to other problems such as ideologies over 'yours' and 'her' money instead of 'our' money. Most divorces are over money and a non-shared view of a couples finances can potentially be very dangerous to a marriage.
Many woman feel like they aren't making any kind of contribution or that they are stunted if they stay home. I believe quite the opposite! Motherhood is a wonderful time for growth! Having children teaches you selflessness and patience. You learn hard work and how to multi-task. Your contribution is huge! You are raising the next generation. Whether the next generation is kind, hardworking or a problem solving people is largely influenced by you! As for a stunt in your learning that is completely up to you! A dear friend of my mother's stopped school despite her love of knowledge to be a mother. That did not stop her from learning though! She bought many textbooks and would study and read to her hearts desire.
A desire to work and especially to follow your dreams is a wonderful thing! I would just caution a mother who is unsure of some of the possible consequences. Unlike what many would like to believe, I believe that motherhood is one of the most beautiful and dutiful "jobs" we can ever have on this earth. There is not a greater power one has then the power a mother has when she is home with her kids. Their is no money that can replace how much it costs to do the job of a mother. I am proud of motherhood and can't wait until that day comes for me.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Family Counsles
One good way to check up on your spouse and children is to have family counsels. As a religious person this post will rely heavily upon ideas in the belief that there is a loving God who will guide and direct us. Family counsels should have 4 main aspect, first, they should be done with love and appreciation. Second, they should start with a prayer. Third, they should discussion and then fourth, you should all come to a consensus. Note, this pattern can also be used as a couple to make a decision.
This first aspect is that there should be love and appreciation. You can bring this in by starting the event off with compliments and other forms of loving acknowledgement. This will start the evening with a feeling peace and self worth.
The second aspect is prayer. If you want to come to a consensus and have a peaceful, respectful atmosphere where the spirit can guide you need to start off with a prayer.
The next aspect is how you run a discussion. One way to run this is you have someone in charge who keeps order. This normally is a parental figure. This person presents what is to be discussed. Then you go around and one at a time have each member put in their input. This way all members have an opportunity and a say. It is important at this time to make sure that all views are respected and listened to. This also is an important time to apply humility. All family members no matter how young can feel like they are truly apart of the family and that they are valued and respected. You then discus till you come to a consensus.
That leads us to our last part coming to a consensus though this may seem impossible, if you are all striving to do the lords will then you can reach a consensus. Since you are all seeking the lords will, the will should all be the same.
By conducting family counsels in this manner you teach your children how to be leaders. Families feel unified and individuals feel important and like they have a say. By using this pattern to make rules are more likely to follow. This can be also be a strong bonding time within the family unit.
This first aspect is that there should be love and appreciation. You can bring this in by starting the event off with compliments and other forms of loving acknowledgement. This will start the evening with a feeling peace and self worth.
The second aspect is prayer. If you want to come to a consensus and have a peaceful, respectful atmosphere where the spirit can guide you need to start off with a prayer.
The next aspect is how you run a discussion. One way to run this is you have someone in charge who keeps order. This normally is a parental figure. This person presents what is to be discussed. Then you go around and one at a time have each member put in their input. This way all members have an opportunity and a say. It is important at this time to make sure that all views are respected and listened to. This also is an important time to apply humility. All family members no matter how young can feel like they are truly apart of the family and that they are valued and respected. You then discus till you come to a consensus.
That leads us to our last part coming to a consensus though this may seem impossible, if you are all striving to do the lords will then you can reach a consensus. Since you are all seeking the lords will, the will should all be the same.
By conducting family counsels in this manner you teach your children how to be leaders. Families feel unified and individuals feel important and like they have a say. By using this pattern to make rules are more likely to follow. This can be also be a strong bonding time within the family unit.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Two Sides of the Same Coin
It may seem like a mystery how two people can go through the same stressful event and yet come out from it completely different! This mystery is actually not the mysterious at all though. One way this phenomena was explained was by what's called as the ABCX model. A stands for Actual event. B stands for Both resources and responses and C stands for Cognitions which equal X, which stands for total eXperience.
You can understand this better through an example. Lets say two couples suffer through the death of a child. The actual event would be the death of a child. Now lets look at both recourses and responses. Lets say one couple is new to the area, they don't know anyone and they respond by closing them selves off to the community and each other. Lets say the other couple though has a strong role in the community, The respond by reach out for support and during the funeral the whole community comes to support and bring food and flowers to the mourning couple. Then there is cognition. Lets say the first couple view this as the worst thing that could ever happen, they are mad at God for allowing such a thing to occur, maybe they are mad at each other for not trying harder to keep the baby alive. Maybe the other couple use it as an opportunity to come closer to their other children, maybe they look forward with hope of seeing their child in the next life. They may possibly view it as sad and yet use it to have meaning full discussions with each other that unifies them. As you can probably imagine both of these couples probably ended up having a very different total experiences.
Challenges will always be hard but hard doesn't need to mean bad in fact much of how life goes depends on our attitude and how we face these seemingly impossible heartaches. I love the Chinese symbol for the word crisis. It is made by combining the symbol of Danger and opportunity. Every challenge in our life can either be a danger to everything we know or it can be an opportunity to grow and become better. With in our families it is inevitable that we will come face to face with a crisis and it can either tear our families apart or bring us together. Much of this choice is ours, how we choose our cognition and responses and how we use our resources will effect the outcome of our challenges.
You can understand this better through an example. Lets say two couples suffer through the death of a child. The actual event would be the death of a child. Now lets look at both recourses and responses. Lets say one couple is new to the area, they don't know anyone and they respond by closing them selves off to the community and each other. Lets say the other couple though has a strong role in the community, The respond by reach out for support and during the funeral the whole community comes to support and bring food and flowers to the mourning couple. Then there is cognition. Lets say the first couple view this as the worst thing that could ever happen, they are mad at God for allowing such a thing to occur, maybe they are mad at each other for not trying harder to keep the baby alive. Maybe the other couple use it as an opportunity to come closer to their other children, maybe they look forward with hope of seeing their child in the next life. They may possibly view it as sad and yet use it to have meaning full discussions with each other that unifies them. As you can probably imagine both of these couples probably ended up having a very different total experiences.
Challenges will always be hard but hard doesn't need to mean bad in fact much of how life goes depends on our attitude and how we face these seemingly impossible heartaches. I love the Chinese symbol for the word crisis. It is made by combining the symbol of Danger and opportunity. Every challenge in our life can either be a danger to everything we know or it can be an opportunity to grow and become better. With in our families it is inevitable that we will come face to face with a crisis and it can either tear our families apart or bring us together. Much of this choice is ours, how we choose our cognition and responses and how we use our resources will effect the outcome of our challenges.
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