Loyalty at the Core

At the core of marriage there must be certain aspects such as, love, trust, loyalty and many more. These aspects are often entwined with each other. For example when you are loyal to someone they are more likely to trust and rely on you. Loyalty is very key to a marriage but by having infidelity you are destroying your personal loyalty towards your spouse. I think there are very few cases though where people go into a marriage thinking they will break their fidelity. This is exactly what I want to talk about is how to prevent infidelity, especially emotional infidelity which I believe to be even more common and less known.

An emotional affair is often a trap that's becoming easier and easier for people to fall into. With text messages and social media it is easier today then ever to talk to people privately. Emotional affairs  can come in a range of ways from simply confiding in another, besides your spouse or a professional set aside to help marriages, to talking about intimate topics with another and/or sexting things with another.

Most emotional affairs start off very innocently. Imagine you have had a life time best friend of the opposite gender. There is nothing initially bad about that, however, lets say you start confiding in them on what to do about something regarding your marriage. You then start comparing your spouse to your friend. Mabey you feel like you can talk to your friend better then your spouse. Pretty soon you are in an emotional affair. You also often see this when spouses add old relationships as friends on social media.  Your friend may message you complaining about their relationship and to help them out to try to relate and you complain about yours. Pretty soon you are confiding in each other. You may start to remember how wonderful it was and compare it to what you have now.

Even talking to family members would be wise not to do. Most the time when you confined with a family member that persons view of your spouse will change, even once you have forgiven them and moved on. People often believe that infidelity can only happen with the opposite sex but even confiding and getting emotionally attached to those of your same sex can be dangerous.

When you have problems with in your marriage the best thing you can do is talk to your spouse about it. Statistics have shown that when one spouse reaches out to others for marriage help the marriage is ironically more likely to end in divorce. If you do have to talk to someone for help it is best to go to a professional who is set apart to help marriages and who isn't a family member.

Happiest day to the sadddest day of your life

Many dream of the day when they will find their true love. They picture their wedding as the happiest day of their life. Little do they probably consider though how significant that day and the events leading up to it can be, compared  to the rest of their lives. I want to address this and how these first decisions coming up to marriage can either greatly bless or hurt your marriage.

The first step to the marriage adventure is the day you are proposed to. Some would say how you are proposed to isn't significant. This simply is not true though.  How you are proposed to sets up a precedent for the rest of your marriage. If he has a planned and formal proposal he will probably put more effort into your marriage then if he asks off hand while you were watching Netflix on the couch. So when a guy proposes it would be wise to take note to how it is done.

Now that you are proposed to the next stage is  engagement. This is a crucial time to get to know each other and bond over wedding plans. So how long should your engagement be? That really depends on you but facts show that you don't want it too long or too short. If your engagement is long you are more likely to fall into sexual relationships before marriage. If your engagement is to short though then you could miss out on essential steps that should take place. One step is planning the wedding. If your engagement is short it makes the planning stressful instead of a bonding time between the couple. You also should have an engagement long enough where you can have full-disclosure conversations.

When planning your wedding it also would be good to make sure this is a couple bonding time. Often the planning of a weeding is between a mother and daughter and maybe the father. It would be wise to make sure the future husband is equally involved in order to let the couple grow closer together.

Lets back up for a moment though and talk about money starting with the ring. How much your ring costs can greatly effect marital satisfaction later. Statistic show how every 100$ over 2,000 spent on the ring decreases marital satisfaction. The same idea goes for the wedding. Cheaper weddings increase marital satisfaction. A good saying to go by is more guests not more money. A wedding isn't about showing off for others but instead having them celebrate your union and the creation of a new family. This even goes for the honey moon, how cheaper honey moons tend to have better marital satisfaction then expensive ones.

So how come this is so? Spending big sums of money can start a relationship off on a stressful start. If the man pays for the ring he can start the couple off in serious debt. Normally these sums of money are paid three different ways. One, the couple waits and have a longer engagement. Two, the parents pay for it. Or three, the couple pays.

First, what if you wait as a couple and push off the marriage so you can pay for it.
 Like I mentioned earlier the longer you wait the easier it is to cohabitate. Cohabitating has shown to increase divorce rates and decrease marital satisfaction.

Second the parents could pay. This can lead to problems because the parents may feel like they made an investment and hence have certain rights. For example they may feel a right to plan the wedding as they see fit or they expect the couple to visit them on holidays. Also since they feel they invested into the marriage they might get unhealthily involved in the marriage to make it last.

Third the couples may pay. Like I mentioned earlier this starts the couple off in debt. Debt has proven to add great stress and rifts in marriage. The couple may have to work more to pay it off and hence spend less time together. It also has proven to make a couple less likely to desire to start a family.

Your marriage can be the happiest day of your life and lead to some of the happiest lives.  If not done right though it can  start a couple off on the wrong track. You should have a formal proposal, you should have an appropriate length engagement, and you should be careful how much you spend. This process can be a strengthening time for a couple, and hence it would be smart to do it right.

Ties that will last

Love is an art and building healthy lasting relationships is even more so. To begin to understand love though lets look at the different kinds of love. First there is Storge which is the kind of affection one finds between parent and child. There is also Agape which is charity such as the pure love of Christ. These two types of love are unconditional. The next one is Eros  which is a sexual or physical romantic love and the last one is Philia which is love between friends and brotherly love.

When getting into a relationship many fall into a Eros love. It takes more then just that though to build a lasting love. You need to have the charity of Agape love and many would argue you need the love of Storge and Philia too. When building towards a lasting relationships there are steps you should take and you shouldn't move to the next step till you feel like you have completed the one before it. The steps goes as follows, know, trust, rely, commit, touch.

The first is know, you get to know someone by adding together talk, together, and time. You need to be able to talk to each other and disclose. You need to hang out together. Go on dates, see them in different settings. This way you get to know how they act and not just their favorite color. The last part is time. It normally takes about 3 months for habits to show up and you get to see a persons true self.

Once you know a person you can start to put trust in them. Once a person has proven to be trustworthy then you can rely on them to fill your needs.

Next is commit. Simply put, no, you shouldn't commit to anyone that you don't know and can't trust and rely on. This sounds obvious when stated but so often we see people get into exclusive relationships with people they hardly know, let alone can trust and rely on.

The last part is touch. This part normally gets out of whack. So often couples skip to a stage where they trust and snuggle with someone before they even truly know them. This is simply not healthy though. Physical touch by nature, even  just simple hugs, can really make a bond between people. You see this if you go on long trips with people you don't know. By the end of the trip after sitting by someone for a long time even if you don't talk much you feel closer to them by the end.This is why touch should be last. By having touch in your relationship you will feel closer to the person and hence are more likely to trust and rely on them with out truly knowing them first.

In the end most of it comes back to knowing someone. If you want to have a good relationship you need to truly get to know the person first. You need to see them in multiple situations. This way you know before hand what you are inviting into your life before you commit to it.

Equal does not mean the same!

Many would have you believe that girls and boys act unalike mostly based on their environment. Many believe that since boys and girls are treated dissimilar they grow up different. Much research shows though that a lot of these differences actually has to do with biology and hence the contrast between boy and girls is more innate.

 Such contrasting differences can even be seen from birth. Many babies, who are to young to fully understand their surroundings, act differently to situation. Even evolutionally this would make sense that we fit into certain categories. Woman have to put all their energy into making a baby, because of this, man evolved to be more protective in order to protect his wife during this venerable time when she is creating. He also will then need to protect her and their child when they are both weak from the birthing process.  biologically men have more grey matter in there brain which allows more storage and processing. Woman have more white matter which allows them to make up to 5 times faster connections between the emotional and verbal part of their brains. This explains why woman tend to be more comfortable talking about their feelings. Another way to see sex traits contrast through biology is actually by looking at people who don't fit the mold.  CAH girls find themselves to be very tom boy, they tend to be rougher and not as nurturing, they also aren't as comfortable with feelings. So how does this prove that traits are biological? Well CAH girls are actually exposed to more testosterone while they are in the uteral. So yes some people aren't as feminine or masculine but that also can be contributed to biology not just purely environment. Society has tried to make boys and girls more equal and it has simply not worked. Toy companies have made dolls for boys and video games for girls but they simple do not get the same attention as their other more stereotypical boy girl toys. 

Men and woman in general are different and that's ok. It is how God designed us. We are born with different traits that make us who we are. By bringing these traits together in marriage we complete each other and make a more perfect whole.

Plight of the Immigrants

I knew there was problems with immigration. I knew there was political debates about the border and what to do. I never really paid much attention though and if I am to be honest I didn't really care. Much of what I have learned has changed that though and now I want to look into  the topic and know more about immigrants. I hope that as I share what I have learned about the plight of immigrants your heart might be softened and if you are an immigrant you might seriously think before you decide to come to the U.S..

Mexican culture by large has a culture where family is very central and important. Many Mexicans come up to the U.S. hoping to supply a better life for their children and grandchildren and so on. Studies show though how it puts many stresses on a family and can ultimately destroy their healthy family dynamics.

So how exactly does that work? First lets look at the father, he is normally the first one to leave so he can make money up in the U. S. till he can bring the rest of the family up. When he gets to the US he has no job, no money, and no place to live. Many end up on the streets or in over priced apartments with other men in his position. He is away from his family and has to start from rock bottom up in order to make any money. The troubles actually start long before he gets there though. The journey to cross the border is normally about 4000 dollars, in order to pay someone to help sneak you across. In case you weren't already weighed down by the burden of cost there isn't any guarantee this stranger will actually help you. People can get killed or captured for ransom by these people they hire to take them across. Suddenly being caught by border patrol and being sent home doesn't look too bad. Lets say you make it across safety though, you are still left homeless and with no family, in a country where you probably can't even speak the language.

Back at home family dynamics also have to change. Lets focus on the mother. Mom is undergoing a lot of stress. She loved her husband and she is scared about the journey he has to take. She now solely has to take care of the kids and hence takes on the father and mother role. She probably has never worked in her life and is now required to work since dad doesn't have a job and sends back minimal money. She is trying to balance all this and she doesn't even have her husband to go to in order to let off some of the weight of it all. Meanwhile she also is probably worrying about her kids who also feel the change in the situation.

Without their father there and their mother always busy the kids are left without any strong parental guidance. Those once strong bonds weaken especially with the totally absent father, who by the way is normally gone for four years instead of the expectant one year. The children may act out for attention. Older male siblings may become more bossy as they feel a need to take the fathers role, leaving harsher feelings between once close siblings. Children also may lose opportunities. Children who normally would  have gone to college can't because they have to support the family.

This is all before they even come to America to join the father. Once they make it to America, assuming they make it safely, it isn't the dream they may have imagined. Normally they are even more poor then they where back in Mexico.  Children who haven't had there father now don't know how to have him there and the fathers become estranged to the family. Husbands and wives have to rebuild relationships and fit in the fact the mother has changed due to her having to have fit her role as a father back in Mexico. Parents often become very protective and children have little freedoms. Children normally feel very alone being away from family and friends and in a place where they don't know the language. If children do learn the language sometimes parent, children roles can be switched to where children have more power because they can communicate with others.

Of course not all stories are the same. It is almost guaranteed though that the family dynamics will change and not for the better. Most situations are actually worse then this. Many fathers come and without there family knowing it find someone else and start a family with her. We also didn't even mention the effects it has on extended family who change their roles in order to help the family who is moving. America is a beautiful land and can have lots of great opportunities. If one wants to best help their family though it may be preferable to stay in Mexico. For those who know any immigrants show some sympathy, chances are they are in a really rough situation. For me hearing about the plight of the immigrants pulled my heart string. Maybe it too will pull yours.

Family Theories.

Simply put most families can be categorized into four different family Theories. Theses theories goes as follows, Systems Theory, Exchange Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory and Conflict Theory. Most of these theories over lap. By finding these theories within a family we can get a basic idea of why certain families might act the way they do.

Systems theory, this theory entails how problems within a family or a member in the family is due to many causes, not just one thing. This could be explained as something happening due to circular causuality instead of linear causuality. It could also be described as the old saying goes "if mom ain't happy ain't nobody happy."  Similarly, each person within a family plays a role that the family expects them to be and when that role is changed it effects the whole family dynamic and can cause problems.

The next theory is Exchange Theory. This is what I like to think of as the economic theory. In business you want to be making more money then you spend. In relationships you want to get more out of the relationship then you put in. One needs to be careful though because if you don't balance how much you give and how much you receive someone in the relationship is likely to leave.

The third theory is the Symbolic Theory. This theory explains how each person within a family has a different perspective of things. For example sarcasm. Sarcasm is where one person sends two messages that contradict each other and the first one is a lie. Now, for some people they may not see the second messge and hence perceive wrong what the other person is trying to say. Another example is if dad came home and started yelling at the kids. Mom's view may be that he is being unkind and thoughtless. However, dad's view may be that he just got fired then came home to find the house filled with toys and toilet paper everywhere in a huge mess and kids fighting on the floor. Both the mom and the dad have very different perceptions on what is going on.

The last theory is Conflict Theory. This entails  how people within the family are constantly competing for power. They work to persuade and gain influence over one another.

By better understanding these theories we can better understand why certain people may act the way they do within a family.

The world is in need of traditional famlies!

I have always believed that we live in a world where the importance of families is being diminished. I am now just starting to understand just how true that belief is.  We have seen many trends over the last few years that show a decrease in the importance of families. For one there has been a decrease in family sizes.  There have been more people having sex out of marriage and cohabiting couples which have lead to more children not being born to wedded parents and higher divorce rates. There have been less mothers at home to take care of there young children and these are just some of the many traits we have seen.  some may ask if all these traits are bad and to you I say yes and here is why.

Lets start with the trend of decreasing family sizes. I would like to quote my self from a post I had written for a class assignment. I stated, "How many children you have can economically effect our whole nation. During the time of the baby boom many started to believe that we are over populating the earth. This and other factors such as more woman in the work force and people getting married later have led to a trend of having less children. This has actually led to what will soon bthe decline in our population. Such a decline will have many negative effects.

One negative effect is we will end up with more old people then young. The average number of kids right now for people is between 1 -2 kids. This means there are less kids then parents and hence less young people to replace the old. This means there will be less people in the work force to support those who are retired. which will lead to those who are in the work force having to work harder for the same amount."  

Originally this idea of havng to work harder didn't seem like all that bad of an idea. There was less people but more people where going to college and so they where smarter people. That is starting to become not true though we are seeing more people droping out of schools and with a shrinking population we simply can't afford that.

To give you an idea of how much our population is shrinking the average person has between one to two kids.  If you have 8 couples and each only have one child then within 4 generations you only have one person. If you have a million people and each only have one child then within only 20 generations you are left with only one person.

This sounds so lonely to me. With less siblings you have less aunts, uncles and cousins in the direction we are going exstended families will become more and more obsolete. We will be forced to make fake family connections to have that support which just isn't the same. If you want to learn more about our shrinking population you can go to BYUtv.org and find the "The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter".

Another trend we see is how there are more people having sex out side of Marriage and cohabiting couples. I admit at first I didn't understand the big deal about cohabitation besides that I believed that sexual relations should happen only after marriage. Some new facts I learned though changed that. One statistic I learned was how you are actually 3 times more likely to get a divorce if you cohabitate before marriage. One reason for this is a couple is shown to be less committed to eachother when in cohabiting relationships. Another way I heard it explained for how cohabiting leads to divorces is that you get use to living as everything is his and hers. Their bank accounts are separate, their taxes are separate, though they live together much of what they do is independent. This leads to probelmes when they do get married because neither knows how to make it theirs instead of his and hers which leads to problems.

If you still don't think divorce is enough to call sex before marriage and cohabitation a problem think about the children. Statistics show how kids live more law abiding, successful and stable lives when they grow up in a home where both parents live together and are married. As someone who grew up in a home with divorced parents it was by no means easy. I hold no ill will towards my parents and I am greatful to have my step dad and step siblings in my life who love me and support me. I can say though that growning up in a divorced home was not easy nor fun in anyway and I would have preferred to grow up in a home where there was a committed and loving mother and father.

I also quickly just want ot touch on how there are more woman working outside of the home with kids under the age of 6. I am greatful we live in a time where woman can get an education such as I am and where we can work if we need to to help us achieve personal goals and make an income. I also know though that those early years of childhood are some of the most critical yeas of development for children. What kind of home a child lives in between those ages efffet who they are for the rest of there lives. They need nurturing mothers there to help during those critical stages.

Our families are under attack! The family is where the root of where all stems. This is where we first teach people morals. This is where we teach people how to interate with others where we teach them the good from the bad. The family is where children first see their example of what the world is like. Let us bring up a healthy generation, a generation where they can grow up in good, strong and stable families. The family is important I believe this, I know this, with out a doubt and I hope through out this blog you can come to belive and know this too.